Bonding
by Gennerator
Summary: In which Team 7 discusses bodily preferences. Chapter TWO: Sakura and her virginity go shopping.
1. Kakashi: Adult Among Children

My sense of humor is so mature. 

When I wrote this I didn't intentionally put any pairings in it, but looking back over it I guess it can be taken as anything. I didn't manage any KakaNaru though, sorry.

Prompt: Boobies.

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Kakashi, through the years, had heard his kids talk about some really weird shit. They were kids, things like sex and other miscellaneous forbidden subjects were bound to seem like novelty conversation starters. Kakashi himself couldn't even remember how many times he and his own team had brought up genitalia debates.

But seriously. They were seventeen. It was way past time they got out of the 'sex-is-hilarious' phase.

Sasuke looked about ten seconds away from shoving the scroll they were delivering for some old merchant up Naruto's ass. Naruto, of course, was unphased as ever, and went on merrily as if he wasn't in danger. "C'mon Sasuke...I know you look at them, even if no one notices. Unless, you're, y'know, a homo, but I think you would have jumped me by now if you were, and..." He trailed off thoughtfully. "Well, actually, you do end up on top of me a lot when we spar. I probably wouldn't even notice if you got a little extra gropage in..."

"_Fuck. You_." Sasuke's tone was level and composed; he could have been greeting a little old lady in the street. 

"It's too late for that, you missed the date by about three years. And stop changing the subject. I'm like, ninety percent sure you have a dick, so you can stop pretending you don't. I'm not buying it."

Sakura, who had been pretending to ignore them up until this point, turned to stare incredulously. "Naruto, shut _up_."

"Hey! He's the one avoiding the question!"

"No, you're the one harassing him! Stop it!"

Naruto sighed.

And as soon as she turned away, he leaned in conspiratorially towards Sasuke and hissed in his ear. "So seriously, what gets you going?" 

Roughly a second later Naruto was picking himself out of a boy-shaped hole in a splintered tree trunk. Kakashi frankly thought he had gotten off easy. He had seen Sakura completely decimate bigger, stronger men. 

Naruto flopped onto the ground, moaning. "You broke my ribs!"

"Yeah, like you didn't deserve it."

"There did seem to be a lot of intentional provocation," Kakashi commented mildly. 

"Just heal him so we can keep moving." Sasuke didn't thank her, no one had expected him to, but his voice held a definite note of amusement in it.

Sakura was unusually gentle, probably feeling guilty. She even let him hug her when she was done. They returned to where Sasuke and Kakashi were waiting, and they began to walk back down the weed-infested road. Naruto, after making sure Kakashi was between himself and Sakura, slung an arm around Sasuke's shoulders. "Come on...you can tell me."

There was the distinct sound of Sakura's knuckles cracking. "Naruto..."

"Sakura, we can't afford to lose any more time. Naruto, I'm sure Sasuke's taste in breasts is a fascinating and unexplored subject, but it isn't relevant to the mission. Knock it off."

Naruto pouted, but was quick to find a loophole. "What kind do you like, Kakashi-sensei?

Kakashi sighed. "I'm gay."

Sakura, to his surprise, turned on him. "You are not."

"Oh, I digress, I am. Have you ever wondered why I wear a mask? When I was a young boy a resident homophobe horribly disfigured my face. My parents weren't happy."

Sasuke, to his irritation, turned on him, too. "How old do you think we are?"

Naruto abandoned Kakashi as a lost cause and turned to Sakura instead. "Sakura-chan, am I the only heterosexual on this team? How am I supposed to compare opinions if none of the other guys will share? What do they expect me to do, ask you what you think?"

She stared stonily back. "How do you know _I'm_ not gay?"

There was a pause while the men all considered this. "Are you, Sakura?" Kakashi asked delicately.

"...no," she admitted. 

Naruto breathed a sigh of relief. Even Sasuke had looked vaguely worried. Naruto seemed to realize he had been successfully sidetracked, and pounced back onto the topic. "Sasuke. Boobies. You like them? All you have to do is nod yes or no."

Sasuke threw him a furious look. "I am not discussing this with you."

"I'll tell you what _I_ like," Naruto offered.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "We already know what you like. The bigger the better."

Naruto looked scandalized. "That's not true! Well, I guess it is in general, but there are exceptions! I mean, as long as they were attached to you, I'd take small boobs any day."

Sakura sputtered and turned bright red, not seeming to know how to reply. "Are you calling me_ flat_?" She ended up demanding.

"No, he's just saying you're small," Sasuke said, probably thinking this was comforting information.

"You'll never have back problems," Kakashi offered kindly.

She stared at them like she thought she was the last female on Earth.

"What is so interesting about them?" She burst out. "I mean, really! They're just sacks of fat, flopping around whenever you try to run! They're just...they're just _there_!"

"And squishy," Naruto put in. Kakashi hummed a noncommital sound of agreement.

"I'm serious!" She said, as if he hadn't interrupted. By this time she was so embarrassed her face looked like it might explode, sending little bits of Sakura flying through the air. "Do I constantly obsess over penises? _Do I?_"

Sasuke started coughing violently. Naruto, however, just looked at her quizzically. 

"So...how big do you like them, Sakura-chan?"

"_I wouldn't know!_"

"Oh my God! You're a virgin!"

Sasuke might even hack up some blood, at the rate he was going.

"You should have told me! Don't worry Sakura-chan, I'll make sure your first time is _amazing_."

"_Naruto!_"

"Will you _stop it?_" Sasuke snarled.

"Yes, Naruto, have mercy on Sasuke's lungs..."

"Nothing would have been started if you had just answered my question in the first place," Naruto said condescendingly, as if this were obvious.

Sasuke's jaw flexed involuntarily, and Kakashi could tell he was debating whether or not to give in. Sakura had fallen quiet, and suddenly seemed to be paying much more attention.

"...perky."

Naruto leaned closer. "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you."

Sasuke closed his eyes. "I like them perky," he muttered through gritted teeth.

Kakashi stared straight ahead. Well, _okay_ then!

"Really?" Sakura asked curiously. Sasuke glared at her, and she smiled ruefully. "I just always took you as a...traditional kind of guy."

Naruto raised his eyebrows. "You wanted to know. Admit it."

"Not enough to ask him..."

Sasuke stared at them. "How the hell long have you two been wondering about my breast preferences?"

The three of them fell into squabbling, and Kakashi sped up his pace until he was a little ways ahead of him.

They delivered the scroll safely, and Kakashi learned more about his students' sex lives than he had ever wanted to know.


	2. Sakura: Virgin Among Men

And I decided to expand. Because I'm crazy. And because a couple of people asked me too.

(haha, shopping tahm.)

* * *

Sakura needed a dress.

Well, technically, she wanted one, but details like that were irrelevant. She really didn't have any (or at least, the ones she did have hadn't fit her in years) due to her skimpy chuunin wages (she should really look into being promoted), and Ino had invited her to a party, so...

She was getting a dress.

Nothing too expensive, though. Despite the fact that she had refrained from flamboyantly spending money since as long as she could remember, she still didn't really have that much to splurge on. She envied normal teenage girls with wealthy fathers who bought them things just for a kiss on the cheek. Her father just grunted at her whenever she visited.

She was staring at her yellow-clad self in the dressing room mirror when she caught a flash of orange out of the corner of her eye. She spun around.

"Heeeeey, Sakura-chan. How's it hangin'?"

She instinctively threw her arms up to cover herself, backing away. "Naruto! This is a women's dressing room!"

"Well, yeah," he said, looking confused. "But people change in the stalls though, don't they?"

"Get _out_. Get the hell out!"

"Woah." He held up his hands defensively. "It was Sasuke's idea, not mine."

"It was not."

What the fuck? She turned, and there was Sasuke, leaning against a stall door. She numbly wondered what the woman inside was thinking. And there...crap, Kakashi was there too.

"Did you...did you follow me?" She asked incredulously.

Sasuke shrugged. "Naruto's idea."

"Was not!"

Kakashi ignored them, scrutinizing her. "Sakura, that dress isn't your color."

"I dunno." Naruto squinted. "It makes her hair look really...pink."

Sasuke looked like he might kill himself.

"I don't...oh my God, just get out."

Naruto looked crestfallen. "But, we came to help. Don't you want opinions?"

"Not really, no."

"I rather like the green one," Kakshi said unperturbedly, pointing to the heap of dresses she hadn't gotten around to trying on yet. "Very classy."

Sakura narrowed her eyes. "I don't give a rat's ass what you – "

"Sakura," Sasuke interrupted wearily. "Just try them on so I can go. Please."

"Yeah," Naruto jumped in eagerly. "We'll leave you alone for the whole day."

She stared at them. Well, she couldn't take on all three of them at once, and the store owner might sue him if she tried, anyway. And...hell, who knew? Maybe their advice was worth something.

Given that they were all polar opposites, probably not, but she liked to be optimistic.

She snatched the green dress from the top of the pile and retreated into her stall, glaring at them. Sasuke and Kakashi mostly. Naruto was a lost cause, but _they _at least should know better to participate in these kinds of things.

"So, Sakura-chan, how far have you gotten?"

Her eyes appeared over the top of the door. "I'm sorry?"

"You're a virgin, right? Have you gotten to second base or anything?"

She let herself drop back to the floor. It would be too much of a hassle to go after him while she was half naked. She should have realized it was simply too much to ask for her to expect to spend quality time with her team and not end up talking about anything _weird_ or _awkward_ or _none of their business_. (Well, actually Sasuke and Kakashi were pretty good considering their chromosomal makeup. It was Naruto who couldn't act his age.) She heard a thump and a yelp that might have been Sasuke punching Naruto in the face. She sighed.

"Why do you care?" She asked distractedly. Only, the dress had these tricky crisscrossing straps that she couldn't figure out, and she was half afraid she was going to rip it...

"We're your teammates!" Naruto's voice was offended.

That was true. "Hey, Sasuke-kun," she said, rolling her eyes. "How far have _you_ gotten?"

There were a few painfully loud seconds of stiff silence, then Naruto broke it. "Oh, Sakura-chan, he's obviously a vir – FUCK!"

Another thump and another yell, and Sakura decided it was time to intervene before Naruto lost a limb. Feeling strangely self-conscious, she pushed the door open and stood before them. "Well?"

The scrutiny was palpable. Naruto tilted his head thoughtfully.

"Too short."

She stared at him. "What?"

"The dress is too short," Sasuke repeated.

"What do you mean, it's too short?" She asked, chagrined. Honestly, it was fairly modest, only two or three inches above her knees.

"He means, Sakura," Kakashi clarified. "That if you would like to stay a virgin, you should pick another dress. Personally, I think it's very tasteful."

She was just starting to seriously wonder if maybe Kakashi really _was_ gay, when Naruto interrupted her train of thought. "No, Sasuke's right," Naruto admitted reluctantly. "Too short."

She turned her head to look at him accusingly. Honestly, this was just ridiculous.

"What about Sasuke-kun's shirt?" She demanded, pointing.

"What's _wrong_ with it?"

"No offense, but you might as well just not wear one."

"Yeah, I've been meaning to get around to that," Naruto said quickly. "You know, you piss a lot of people off by wearing it."

Sasuke drew himself up to his full height (which was fairly considerable, but nonetheless unimpressive to his quite deliberately unimpressed teammates) and stood with all the proud stiffness of a king. "It's a symbol of what I went through during my mission," he said solemnly. ("Yeah, like we need to be reminded of _that_ every time we look at you," Naruto muttered.) "It's no one else's business but mine."

She had to admit, Sasuke could be an intensely powerful killjoy when he wanted to. Honestly, she didn't mind his loose rob-top and all the extra flashes of chest it offered, but he did seem to be needlessly tempting fate by keeping it. One day some overly patriotic gang was going to track him down and corner him.

And he would knock each and every one of them into next week, but that wasn't the point.

Kakashi was quickly losing interest in the conversation (or he was pretending to) the way he always did when they discussed Sasuke's defection, and Sakura made a snap decision to distract them. "Which one next? Red or white?"

"White," the boys chorused. She pulled the red one out from the bottom of the pile and disappeared back into her stall.

"You know," she heard Kakashi begin as she wriggled out of the perfectly appropriate green dress. "It's perfectly all right that you're a virgin. Just think, your first time will probably be extremely enjoyable."

There was another outbreak of activity outside her stall. "Ew, Kakashi-sensei!"

"Ew? It's not gross when you talk about it?"

"We're her _age!_"

"Will you two shut up?"

"Hey! Don't tell me to shut up!"

"So hurry up and do it and I won't."

"_Teme _– "

Sakura raised her voice to be heard. If Naruto and Sasuke were going to kill each other, fine. She would talk to her damn teacher instead. "You realize I'm your student, right? And you're giving me sex advice?"

"Former student," he intoned lightly. "And I'm just looking out for you."

Naruto picked his way back into the conversation, momentarily losing interest in Sasuke. "Yeah. In fact, you should just stay a virgin. Forever. Okay?"

"Hmm. No." She pulled the red dress over her head and shimmied her way into it (It was a little tight, but honestly, she was small-chested enough to get away with it.), and the price tag scratched against her arm. She automatically glanced down at it.

Ouch.

Well, damn. There was no way, she thought as she turned to look in the mirror just for curiosity's sake, that she could ever –

Ooh.

It was so...so pretty.

But...no. She couldn't afford it. She would rather have three meals a day.

But it was so _pretty_.

After some brief internal debate, she slipped it regretfully off and put it back on its hanger. She couldn't. Really. She had more important things to pay for.

"...Sakura-chan? What's taking so long?"

"It's too expensive," she sighed, failing horribly to hide her disappointment.

"Oh. Well, there's still the white – "

"_Excuse me._"

Her heart sank.

By the time she had yanked all her clothes back on, Naruto had gotten into a full fledged argument with the store owner. She emerged just in time to see him gesture wildly and say, "Yeah, but we didn't go in the _stalls._"

"We'll go," she interrupted. "Right now."

He turned on her. "You let them in here?" He asked, scandalized.

"No, no. They followed me."

"Hey – "

"You did!"

The shopkeeper chose that moment to clamp a hand around the shoulder of the person closest to him, saying, "I don't care. I really don't, just get out."

That person happened to be Sasuke.

Sakura didn't know whether his years of shinobi training or his years of being mentally unbalanced contributed to his doing it, but either way he snapped around and had the man pinned to the wall with his hands jerked behind his back before anyone could blink. She shrieked an irritated "Dammit, Sasuke!" at the same time Kakashi sighed wearily and a woman popped out of a nearby stall, where she had most likely been eavesdropping the entire time.

"What on earth are you people doing?" She demanded, aghast. Then she fully comprehended the situation, and before anyone could stop her her eyes widened in shock and she spun around and ran out. "Help! This man is being robbed!"

They froze. Then Kakashi coughed lightly and disappeared with a small_ poof _of smoke.

The three of them exchanged panicked looks, and without further adieu Sasuke released the shop owner and they all hauled their asses out onto the street, sprinting past the quickly growing crowd. Naruto was careful to subtly ram his hip into the woman as they flew by her.

Roughly half an hour later Sakura arrived at her apartment, safe, alone, and out of breath. She could only assume Naruto and Sasuke and managed to escape too since their parting about a mile back. She scaled the wall to her window, cursing her mistake in judgment for letting herself believe she could depend on her team for _anything_ not life-threatening. She dragged herself into her bathroom for a quick shower then collapsed on her bed, vaguely hoping none of them had been identified.

The next morning she found the red dress neatly folded on her coffee table, under a note with slender, delicate handwriting she recognized to be Sasuke's.

_He can afford it. _Beneath that was a scrawley smiley face that undoubtedly came from Naruto.

Frankly, it irritated her that first thing in the morning she had to find herself responsible for a stolen dress.

But then she looked at the smiley face and the neat, precise crease where the note had been folded in half, and felt the anger drain out of her. They _were_ boys.

So she kept it.


End file.
